apparently facebook doesn't really allow you to quit. not really. i got an email today that says "[some person] wants to be your friend." which was interesting to me as i didn't think i existed in facebookuniverse any more. i was wrong. it happens sometimes.

so i go back to login to see what happens. "welcome back" it says. like i just took a short vacation or something. while i'm flattered that facebook cares so much that it doesn't want to let me go, i don't know that this is actually a good thing. social networks shouldn't miss me and hold on when i say goodbye. i feel like i'm being stalked by facebook. not by anyone. by the actual program. it's kind of scary. i'm wondering if i should lock my door. like maybe a big computer is going to show up on my doorstep and ask me to go for coffee. which is just ridiculous i know. computer systems can't drink coffee.

it's amazing to me how much i censor my thoughts even when i know that no one is going to read this. i'm on draft three of a simple note about how i deleted my facebook to allow myself the freedom to really write my thoughts on a page that no one will read (sort of give me that daring sense of openness that someone could actually know what i'm thinking, but with little danger because not even i read this page). and i'm still censoring. brilliant eh? maybe i'm hiding these thoughts from myself. (let's play at psychology right?)

i'm thinking things i don't want to admit to thinking. connecting dots that aren't in the same picture and staring at the picture like it's some zen revelation. it's not zen. hell, it's not even real. i know that. but i still keep looking at the picture and tracing the lines.

i think that's one of the main reasons i feel like disappearing right now (there's always a reason. maybe not a good one. maybe just plenty of bad ones). to disconnect from ideas. long enough that i can change the perception of the people around me. back to a more (less) comfortable place.