why is it that i feel so restless in every moment of my life now? no matter how much i try, i can't fall into line, into sync with the world around me. i find moments where i fit. but only moments. and then the moment passes and i'm standing alone in my head looking out and wondering where i should be, since this doesn't feel like the place. i'm tired of watching all of the planes fly overhead, with my feet buried in the pavement. staring. wishing.

i don't know that i'll ever be able to explain that to its fullest. to tell the people on the other side of my eyes that on most occassions i see them as strangers, no matter how i love them.


it's sad that it takes alcohol, and a good bit of it at that, to melt stoicism into serene repose. i feel like the gargoyle mounted to the roof of the most beautiful cathedral. listening to the ringing of the bells inside, and the beautiful voices of the choir, muffled by cement walls into a hush playing to the rhythm of the rain. with the rain as my tears. the sun as my smile.

i am become everything else. but me.